Size Matters When We're Talking About Condoms

by Kirsten Anderberg (http://www.kirstenanderberg.com)
Written on Sept. 27, 2006)
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I am sick and tired of hearing stories from my straight/bi women and gay male friends about men's failures with condoms. Let me say this very clearly right now:

Any man who does not know how to *use* condoms properly, not just buy them at a store, is not taking proper responsibility for his own penis and sperm.

And any man who is not taking responsibility for his own penis and sperm is not capable of respecting a lover, plain and simple. I do not care what other factors are involved. Respecting your lover, in this day and age, *must* include proper education and experience with responsible condom use.

After being properly respected by a sex education activist turned lover, I have ever since been repulsed when a man tries to be sexual with me without proper protection. At this point, I actually suggest you ask these questions of your next male lover, in the flirting stage, before you get anywhere near having sex with him:

1) How long have you been wearing condoms?
2) What brand and size do you prefer and how long have you used that brand?
3) Have you ever lost a condom inside someone or had a condom break? What did you do in that situation? How did you support your partner in that?
4) How do you make sure the condom stays on during penetration and how do you ensure no fluids get out the base of the condom as you wear it?

These may seem very scary and forward questions to ask a lover, as you progress sexually, but think about it. You are sharing the ultimate in intimacy, in sexual contact, and if you are always worried about your sexual safety, the joy in the act can be lost or lessened. Randomly sharing sexual body fluids with new lovers is grotesquely irresponsible. Thus I see questions like these to be perfectly legitimate and reasonable, even responsible. I intend to ask these questions of every male lover, prior to penetration, for the rest of my life. If a man cannot answer at least these 4 questions to my satisfaction, then it will be too much hassle and I am not interested.

Being a responsible sexually-active male does not entail simply buying condoms at a store. It entails *learning* about *your* penis and condoms. If some macho jerk buys "extra-large condoms" for his penis that is actually a *medium,* the condom may be too big to be used properly or effectively. Size matters when we are talking about condoms. That is why they make different sizes. And men who have to lie about their penis size prior to having sex with them, well, that is pathetic. And remember, the person will *see* the penis size during sex anyway, so your lies will only make you look stupid later. And I ask what size they use, so that I know that *they* know what size they use. If they cannot tell me the size, that indicates an unfamiliarity that is a danger sign. And how can I buy him condoms, too, if I do not have this information?

Different condoms work better for different people's needs, sexual styles, and preferences. And even *technique* must be explored, alone, prior to penetration with partners. Yes, I am going where you think I am. Yicks! I am asking men to *practice* condom use, alone, before using condoms with partners. I am saying that responsible males *will* spend some time trying different brands, sizes, and techniques for putting them on, keeping them on without losing fluids, and even graceful removal.

I had a partner once who was beautiful in the ways he used condoms. He was so graceful, always using them in a natural flow, and always controlling the condom during penetration, and very smoothly taking it off in the end, too. This man had condom use down to an art. And I respect the hell out of that.

Don't be a fumbling idiot about condom use. Don't disrespect yourself and others by not investing the proper time and energy into learning how *your* penis works with different condoms. You should be able to answer, promptly and with confidence, any lover who asks you what brand and size condoms you use and how long you have been using them. If you can't answer (or *ask!*) these questions for/of your lover, sit, and think about that for a bit, okay?