Vancouver's traffic system is one of the safest systems on the planet. Travelling through Vancouver is virtually hassle-free as every vehicle will move out of the way for tourist SUVs. One may occasionally encounter the odd shopping cart bandit and bicycle hindrances, but rest assured: our premier, whose driving abilities are legendary, has a firm understanding of traffic flow priorities and, since his drunk driving conviction in Maui, tourists should look to his driving abilities as a model for their behaviour in Vancouver. If one has imbibed and you are pulled over by the police, it will only be necessary to tell them you've only had two martinis and, when your mugshots are taken, to say "I wasn't smiling, I was grimacing." Once you have voiced these words, your popularity will increase tenfold. Why do we say this? Because recent polls by BCTV and the Liberal Party show that our premier's popularity only rose when he was caught drinking and driving, then lying about his condition. Bottoms up, Gordo! We can attest to the premier's popularity in BC and the popularity of the Liberals in the summation given by Leonard Bigges shortly after he stepped from his wrecked Explorer and before he passed out. The words he uttered in his interview on the street spoke for all British Columbians whose loyalties do not vary from Leonard's opinions. It was as if BC has spoken through Leonard when he uttered the words "If any of those f***ing bastards have anything bad to say about my man Gordo I'll come over to their goddamn house and kick their f***ing guts out. And you sons of bitches better be voting the right way in the next election or I'll f***ing hunt you down and rip your balls off!" After issuing this statement, Mr. Bigges crawled into a nearby alley and lay there making odd gurgling sounds. Kudos, Leonard! You spoke for us all.

"I wasn't smiling, I was grimacing." Leonard Bigges: Vox Populus